Absolution

I have never been one for absolution. Apologizing and expecting forgiveness for wrongdoings you (and I) have committed is foolish. Sometimes we need it; I understand that. But for the most part, our transgressions against one another are not pleasant and they are not easily forgotten. In my mind, an apology is nothing more than an excuse for your actions and the expectation of a second chance. Forgiveness is giving that second chance. Now, formally, one might say how they wronged the victim and beg for their forgiveness. And, to hold to their humanity, the victim accepts the apology and the aggressor now has a second chance to prove themselves. This system doesn't work for me.

I expect myself to get it right the first time. I feel as if I'm expected to get it right the first time. And when you think about it, we don't get a second chance at life; this is it. So when I wrong someone, I will go to them and admit my mistake. But I will not apologize. And I will not expect or ask for exoneration. Very rarely do I want to be forgiven, which is pretty much when I am being selfish and don't think I could live without that second chance. Similarly, I do not want apologies thrown my way from those who have victimized me in some way. But, the problem I have is that everyone does it anyways, without regard or respect to my wish, which is to NOT do that. And I can see in their eyes that those people expect me to forgive them, give them a second chance. More often than not, I am a hypocrite and just let it go. I don't want to deal with all the extra emotions that surround their vindication.

Most transgressions are trivial. Accidentally running into someone you didn't see, pulling pranks, etc. On the opposite end of the spectrum, we have lying, which I place right up there with the big boys, like murder, rape, arson. Indeed, lies and their corresponding truths can even spur the big, bad, ugly ones into action. Now, every lie's truth will hurt in some way, even white lies. Despite the best of intentions, lies will damage people. You're guilty of it. So am I. As for myself, I do my best to be honest and not lie, but even then it still happens.

Now, the person I thought was my best friend for the better part of three years here at school started dating a girl back in January. Okay, that's fine by me. My best friends back home have relationships and our friendships haven't really changed...just had to add a more enhanced give-and-take system of sorts. Now, I've had many talks with this guy, on many different subjects. His own words were, literally, "bros before hos, man. Totally. No question. My friends will always be important to me." And for the better part of three years, that held true. And I believed him. Well, he starts dating this girl and all of a sudden he starts changing. He has become irresponsible, when he was one of the most responsible people I've ever known. He is now self-centered and self-righteous; in the past, he was fair and would do his part, and he would do anything to help a friend. He refuses to go out and do anything with any of his friends, only with her. He has no respect left for his roommates (myself and another friend); he is inconsiderately loud and has claimed that because he has paid for the room as well, he gets to say what goes down.

Now, anyone reading or hearing this story would, I'm assuming, jump to conclude that I have a problem with the girlfriend (I would, anyways). Not so, I say, other than the fact that she's in the room all day, every day, and that her laugh is a special case of high-pitched annoyance. My issue is with my former best friend. I have cut all ties to him. Not even really him, he's not even a shadow of his former self. And I'm not even mad at him. Obviously, when he and his girlfriend are talking and laughing loud or leaving the TV volume really high with the door open until the early hours of the morning, I get really steamed. I'm not mad about who he's become. I'm just disappointed, and a little hurt. Because he lied to me. I see two ways that he's done it.

1) He is lying to me now about who he really is when he's with his girlfriend and is just cutting me out to save face with his girlfriend (because, I forgot to mention, he changes his personality, ways, and habits according to what she likes and dislikes, so as to be the person she wants)

2) He has been lying to me for the last three years and who he has become is who he really is inside.

Which is it? It has to be one of the two. He's not telling me some small little white lie with all this just to keep me from being hurt. It doesn't even matter what his answer is. It's at the point that I just don't even give a damn anymore. One of these lies is not better or worse than the other. Both are equally painful and give equal cause for disappointment.

I have two weeks left here at school and then I am leaving, for good. I will not be returning to school here. So, if he wants to resolve things, out of respect for our past friendship, I'll let him apologize. Then, I'll let him stand there and expect to be absolved for his lying to me, which won't happen. I will do him one last favor and let him lay out his sins so that he can see them. Then, as a man without his best friend anymore, I will not forgive him. I will not give him any sort of absolution. He will expect it, he will want to patch things up because that's how I know him. But, if he's learned anything from being my friend the last three years, he'll know how I view apologies and forgiveness. There will be no second chance for him. I've been giving him another chance every day since he started dating this girl to prove to me who I know him to be. And he has failed time and again to do so; in fact, he hasn't even acknowledged it or been aware of what's going on around him.

Elitism, disrespect, ignorance, betrayal, and lying do not deserve another chance to rise again. There will be no absolution.

~Nick

*Clarification: In relation to the first part of this post, I do not mean to say that I never apologize. There are times when I feel sorry for what I have said or done and simply choose not to apologize, believing that the apology itself is meaningless. At other times, because I have personally and deeply wronged someone, I will apologize, knowing that the apology will assuage some of the anger and grief that I have caused. I would also like to differentiate between apologizing and forgiveness. I may apologize but I do not seek nor expect any forgiveness, and I often do not accept forgiveness if it is given to me. However, if a person wrongs me and apologizes and the apology does indeed help, then I will forgive the person in question. I am well aware that not everyone is as much of a hardass as myself.