Change up...

...These are the lyrics to my favorite song. Ever. Of all time.

Pushit (live) by Tool

Saw that gap again today,
While you were begging me to stay.
Take care not to make me enter.
If I do we both may disappear.
If I do we both may disappear.

Saw that gap again today,
While you were begging me to stay,
Managed to push myself away,
You as well my dear,
And you as well.
Pushed you away my dear.
Pushed you away.
Pushed you away.
Pushed you away my dear.

I will choke until I swallow,
Choke this infant here before me.
What are you but my reflection?
Who am I to judge or strike you down?
Who am I to judge or strike you down?

But you're pushing,
And I'm shoving you,
And you're pushing me,
And I'm shoving you.

Rest your trigger on my finger.
Bang my head upon the fault line.
Better take care not to make me enter.
If I do we both may disappear.
If I do we both may disappear.

But you're pushing,
And I'm shoving you,
And I'm pushing me,
And I'm shoving you.

Still love me,
You still love me,
You still love me,
You still love me,
I'm pushing and we're shoving,
And you're pushing and I'm shoving,
And you still love me.
You still love me.
You still love me.
You still love me.
You're pushing and we're shoving,
And I'm pushing and your shoving me.

And I'm slipping back into,
The gap again.
I feel alive when you touch me.
I feel alive when you hold me,
Down.

Slipping back into,
Slipping back into.

I am somewhere I don't wanna be.
Put me somewhere I don't wanna be.
Push me somewhere I don't wanna be.
Seeing someplace I don't wanna see,
Never wanna see that place again.

Saw the gap again today,
While you were begging me to stay,
Managed to push myself away,
And you as well my dear.

If when I say I might fade like a sigh if I stay,
You minimize my movement anyway,
I must persuade you another way.

Pushing and
Shoving.
Pushing and
Shoving.
Pushing me.

There's no love in fear.

Staring down the hole again,
Hands upon my back again,
Survival is my only friend,
Terrified of what may come.

Remember I will always love you,
As I claw your fucking throat away.
It will end no other way.
It will end no other way.

~Nick

Seems a bit backwards...

...don't it? I mean, I spent my Sunday night reading history, catching up on current events, listening to music, and working out. And I'm not in school. In school, I would have spent my Sunday night doing absolutely nothing of importance or anything productive in particular, because, hell, the entire week is going to be full of that. I don't know, just seems that my priorities got switched around. And I feel pretty swell about doing things that I love doing and not having them seem like a fucking chore. So, yeah, that's pretty cool, right? Right.

Also, if anyone is paying attention, this is two posts within a week (however short they might be). It must be a goddamn miracle.

~Nick

Horrible person...

That's what I am. Not that I truly believe that many people are consistently checking this blog to see if I've posted anything. Although, my sister just created one and that reminded me that, surprise surprise, I also am a blogger! A failure of one, but a blogger nonetheless. Apologies to those who DO read this. The end of my summer has consisted of many hours of work and dropping the ball on my life plans...in general. Which, surprisingly, I'm not kicking myself too much over not signing enlistment papers yet since I am fairly content with life as it is now, with a routine and all. And I still don't have enough money saved yet to put even a decent-sized dent in my college debt. Do you see what you do to us, America? Because of you and your unreasonably high expectations of younger generations, you have doomed us to a life of semi-poverty with only a fancy piece of paper, declaring that we are good and smart enough for you, to comfort us. Bravo, society.

Anyways, today is a short post (which most of mine seem to have that distinction). Now that summer is over and I have more time on my hands because my friends have totally abandoned me and given me some sort of complex or mental disorder over it *deep breath* I will be updating this again. I will attempt to update weekly. And since I'm no longer in school but still actively ponder the goings-on of the world, and of life, I have time for essay writing. Although, this time I can be much more opinionated because, hell, I'll only be judged for it, not graded. Think about it, if judgment equaled your grade, technically, we'd all be failing. And then no one would get anywhere because we couldn't pass the kindergarten of life. No gold stars for you, humanity. You get a bronze star because YOU SUCK AT LIFE.

Enjoy your weekend.

~Nick

Think For Yourself, Question Authority...

Tool in concert > Tool on iTunes.

Just sayin'.

~Nick

Ah, fuckberries...

Forgot about this. I'm pretty sure most other people have as well. Not to worry, I shall update with new things and improved stuff. I'm using the words "things" and "stuff" simply because my high school English teachers taught me to never use those words. Ever.

New job has been started, so the update may take a week or so, but like I said, NOT TO WORRY. Everyone on the internet worries too much.

Till yonder...day.

~Nick

The Triumphant Return

I am currently sitting in my incredibly cluttered room in the basement of my house. I woke up to a gray sky and windy...winds. I was unable to accomplish my goal of mowing the lawn yesterday, so it definitely needed to be done today. I was not aware that it had rained overnight/this morning, so the grass was pretty damp. If you have ever mowed a lawn, you know that wet grass means lots of stops and dumping the grass. Normally, I'd be frustrated but frankly, I'm just glad to be home and able to be outside doing work, even though it's a shitty day outside.

In addition, I've been sick the last few days, but I'm feeling better now. This cold seems to happen every time I come back from Hawaii. I'm guessing that it's just the climate difference. Or the very unclean planes that I fly on. Or my allergies finally having a chance to prove their worth, since there's not much on the islands that disturbs me.

It's been great seeing friends again. Facebook and Skype don't stand a chance when it comes to hanging out and going places and doing things (despite what the younger generations may think). I think this summer will turn out to be just about perfect. If things keep going like this, I'll be very thankful and appreciative.

Anyways, I should probably unpack and put everything away since I'm not going back to Hawaii, but I did just borrow a game that I've been dying to play, so packing is on the backburner for now.

Aloha from Minnesota,

~Nick

Don't Be That Guy

So, I check out of my room in a few hours. Flight leaves 12 hours later, which is FANTASTIC, I can assure you. BE ASSURED!!! I will hopefully have internet at both airports, so I will be on Facebook and Skype talking to people to pass the time. Be there or be...not cool?

Anyways, summer's is next on the line-up. Working outside, finding a job, going fishing, hanging out with friends. Should be time well-spent before I find myself having no free time for a while (again).

If you are a White Bearian and we are friends, I will be home Monday afternoon. Which means we should hang out in the following two weeks.

Aloha,

~Nick

This is a Black Market Reformation

So, this semester is drawing to a close. My time here at college is coming to an end. It's finally time to finish looking at the past and do my best to work towards the future. Looking back, I've met some great friends and have many brothers with whom I will always stay connected. Academically, it's been average; freshman and sophomore year were taken seriously. This last year...not so much. The things I've experienced have ranged from the absolute best times of my life to the absolute worst times of my life. But these are the best and the worst so far; I look to make many more memories, good and bad, in the future.

Some of the best memories so far I have shared with many great friends. There were many awkward moments in first learning who we all were. These moments transitioned into regular hang outs, nightly door-knocking, and more jokes and laughter than I can recount. Throughout this, we've seen each other find and lose love, make good choices and bad mistakes, stood shoulder to shoulder and took turns at leading the group in new adventures.

Some of the worst memories so far have changed me. Friends suffered death in their families. Friends themselves have perished. I have gone head-to-head against friends, and they to me. I have discovered the darker side of myself and what I am capable of doing, both to myself and to others.

In all of this, I have opened up and allowed myself to learn. Every situation, good and bad, has a lesson to be taught; it only need be found. In my three years spent here, I feel that I have learned more than I ever could from school. My Taoist-based philosophy has come full-circle and I have embraced the balance of life. I have come to have a greater understanding of myself and my place in the world, rather than viewing the world around me and how it should fit to me.

Knowing this, I no longer have any anxiety for the future. My path is no longer shaped by the world, but rather by myself, taking the role I believe I am to play.

As the band Guster puts it:

So long, so long, front foot leads the back one.

Go on, and it won't be too soon.

I'm gone, I'm gone, and onto the next one.

So long, and I won't be back soon.

~Nick

Absolution

I have never been one for absolution. Apologizing and expecting forgiveness for wrongdoings you (and I) have committed is foolish. Sometimes we need it; I understand that. But for the most part, our transgressions against one another are not pleasant and they are not easily forgotten. In my mind, an apology is nothing more than an excuse for your actions and the expectation of a second chance. Forgiveness is giving that second chance. Now, formally, one might say how they wronged the victim and beg for their forgiveness. And, to hold to their humanity, the victim accepts the apology and the aggressor now has a second chance to prove themselves. This system doesn't work for me.

I expect myself to get it right the first time. I feel as if I'm expected to get it right the first time. And when you think about it, we don't get a second chance at life; this is it. So when I wrong someone, I will go to them and admit my mistake. But I will not apologize. And I will not expect or ask for exoneration. Very rarely do I want to be forgiven, which is pretty much when I am being selfish and don't think I could live without that second chance. Similarly, I do not want apologies thrown my way from those who have victimized me in some way. But, the problem I have is that everyone does it anyways, without regard or respect to my wish, which is to NOT do that. And I can see in their eyes that those people expect me to forgive them, give them a second chance. More often than not, I am a hypocrite and just let it go. I don't want to deal with all the extra emotions that surround their vindication.

Most transgressions are trivial. Accidentally running into someone you didn't see, pulling pranks, etc. On the opposite end of the spectrum, we have lying, which I place right up there with the big boys, like murder, rape, arson. Indeed, lies and their corresponding truths can even spur the big, bad, ugly ones into action. Now, every lie's truth will hurt in some way, even white lies. Despite the best of intentions, lies will damage people. You're guilty of it. So am I. As for myself, I do my best to be honest and not lie, but even then it still happens.

Now, the person I thought was my best friend for the better part of three years here at school started dating a girl back in January. Okay, that's fine by me. My best friends back home have relationships and our friendships haven't really changed...just had to add a more enhanced give-and-take system of sorts. Now, I've had many talks with this guy, on many different subjects. His own words were, literally, "bros before hos, man. Totally. No question. My friends will always be important to me." And for the better part of three years, that held true. And I believed him. Well, he starts dating this girl and all of a sudden he starts changing. He has become irresponsible, when he was one of the most responsible people I've ever known. He is now self-centered and self-righteous; in the past, he was fair and would do his part, and he would do anything to help a friend. He refuses to go out and do anything with any of his friends, only with her. He has no respect left for his roommates (myself and another friend); he is inconsiderately loud and has claimed that because he has paid for the room as well, he gets to say what goes down.

Now, anyone reading or hearing this story would, I'm assuming, jump to conclude that I have a problem with the girlfriend (I would, anyways). Not so, I say, other than the fact that she's in the room all day, every day, and that her laugh is a special case of high-pitched annoyance. My issue is with my former best friend. I have cut all ties to him. Not even really him, he's not even a shadow of his former self. And I'm not even mad at him. Obviously, when he and his girlfriend are talking and laughing loud or leaving the TV volume really high with the door open until the early hours of the morning, I get really steamed. I'm not mad about who he's become. I'm just disappointed, and a little hurt. Because he lied to me. I see two ways that he's done it.

1) He is lying to me now about who he really is when he's with his girlfriend and is just cutting me out to save face with his girlfriend (because, I forgot to mention, he changes his personality, ways, and habits according to what she likes and dislikes, so as to be the person she wants)

2) He has been lying to me for the last three years and who he has become is who he really is inside.

Which is it? It has to be one of the two. He's not telling me some small little white lie with all this just to keep me from being hurt. It doesn't even matter what his answer is. It's at the point that I just don't even give a damn anymore. One of these lies is not better or worse than the other. Both are equally painful and give equal cause for disappointment.

I have two weeks left here at school and then I am leaving, for good. I will not be returning to school here. So, if he wants to resolve things, out of respect for our past friendship, I'll let him apologize. Then, I'll let him stand there and expect to be absolved for his lying to me, which won't happen. I will do him one last favor and let him lay out his sins so that he can see them. Then, as a man without his best friend anymore, I will not forgive him. I will not give him any sort of absolution. He will expect it, he will want to patch things up because that's how I know him. But, if he's learned anything from being my friend the last three years, he'll know how I view apologies and forgiveness. There will be no second chance for him. I've been giving him another chance every day since he started dating this girl to prove to me who I know him to be. And he has failed time and again to do so; in fact, he hasn't even acknowledged it or been aware of what's going on around him.

Elitism, disrespect, ignorance, betrayal, and lying do not deserve another chance to rise again. There will be no absolution.

~Nick

*Clarification: In relation to the first part of this post, I do not mean to say that I never apologize. There are times when I feel sorry for what I have said or done and simply choose not to apologize, believing that the apology itself is meaningless. At other times, because I have personally and deeply wronged someone, I will apologize, knowing that the apology will assuage some of the anger and grief that I have caused. I would also like to differentiate between apologizing and forgiveness. I may apologize but I do not seek nor expect any forgiveness, and I often do not accept forgiveness if it is given to me. However, if a person wrongs me and apologizes and the apology does indeed help, then I will forgive the person in question. I am well aware that not everyone is as much of a hardass as myself.

Hooookay....

...So, here we are a THIRD time. Had to start a new blog because I had to make a @gmail.com account because my @hawaii.edu account will expire at a random time once I leave school. Brilliant.

So, here we are. Again. A third fucking time.

Couple problems to discuss on here. Not that anyone is following this anyways. Just a place to put my thoughts.

HA! Problems are to be discussed later. Taco Bell and the closing of bank accounts summon me. And I must answer the call.

~Nick